Still Fighting...

Still fighting ....on so many levels as are most of you!

But now, I accept fighting as a part of life.  The struggles don't have to be all consuming or anxiety provoking.  I mean, yes, they usually start out that way, but with practice, it is easier to deal with them and let the anxiety go.  At the end of the day, you don't have control over Jack Doody. I am also fortunate that lately, I have high class problems.

Finally delivering the film to our distributor, Vision Films; fixing issues so it can be distributed without any technical issues.   Try doing that with a film that was Frankenstein-ed together over a period of 7 years!  December 1st is our Worldwide release and we will be ready to face the world.

So many times, I didn't think I would be able to come up with money or fix technical issues that I knew nothing about. Somehow, I still had faith that the film would be completed.  I had to.  So many people have given their energy to it.  What has changed with me lately, is when issues arise, I am able to laugh it off.  I address the issues as best I can and put it behind me.  At this point, my barriers and obstacles regarding getting the film out there are all minutia. Background noise.

The real mission of "Fight Like a Girl" is being accomplished.  We are inspiring women's empowerment organizations, doing screenings with mental health groups, accompanying FLAG's Maureen Shea, to her empowerment seminars,  screening at a fundraiser in Seattle for at risk girls who learn how to tell their stories through filmmaking.  We are teaching clinics to eager young women and getting emails and messages from people all over the world who have seen the film, are touched by it.  They tell us how it reminds them that they are not alone in their struggles.  This was the real reason I made the film.  Do I wish I made a lot of money from it and got huge awards?  Sure, but I can easily live without that stuff, especially when I am hearing from people who the film inspires.

I made myself very vulnerable in this film and it will be very easy for people to throw darts at me.  Now, I am glad it has taken so long to get the film out there, because I am able to pull the darts out and let them fall to the ground. I don't think I could have done that a few years back. The reality is I went through a very rough time and it wound up being documented in "Fight Like a Girl."  It was the roughest period of my life.  The other women in the film also let themselves be exposed in their vulnerability.  I am fortunate they trusted me to let me film them at these difficult points in their lives.

This is not an easy thing to do for anyone, but especially for female fighters.  We are supposed to be tougher than anyone.  But for me, toughness and real strength is being able to expose yourself, warts and all, and still hold on to your dignity and own yourself as a person. Maureen, Kimberly, and Susan are the definition of that.

Meanwhile, I am working with an old coach who I like.  He is getting me back into my boxing groove.  It's a pro style that is very effective for me.  I know I won't out-cardio, out-athletic, or out-power most of the people I spar with.  However, I can strategize and focus on hitting and not getting hit best with this style.  More importantly, it's fun!  I get to get my swag on and pretend I am super slick!

I still make dumb mistakes like putting my head down when ducking under something or throwing hooks a little wide, standing up sometimes when I need to be low, and I need to be tighter...but now, I look at it as something to work towards correcting and getting better at.  That wasn't always the case!  I used to be very hard on myself and get extremely angry when I would mess up in the ring. (Even just a few weeks ago!)  It feels better to let it go and work on it harder next time.  If only I can keep this attitude up through the rest of my life....that would be a big W.

Money, Money, Money

I don't like to think about it unless I am making it.

I don't need a whole lot of it.

I love the freedom it gives me since I live in a world where it is necessary to have it.

I am fortunate to have enough of it to pay for roof over my head, groceries, go to a boxing gym and do yoga.  That's pretty much all I need to be happy and balanced.  Oh, and buy a nice outfit or a good pair of shoes a couple times a year.

I hate asking for it.

Right now, I am believing that I will somehow manifest another $10k to put in my film so it can be seen.  Unfortunately, when I exported the film, it was in the wrong format for the distributor.  Chalk it up to being on the cusp of a change in technology.  Yay.  "Progress," as they used to say in the 70's.

While I have been fortunate enough to have someone who believes in "Fight Like a Girl's" ability to help people who suffer from abuse, PTSD and mental illness - cover the rights for my Muhammad Ali footage, this is the last hurrah.  And I need it in order to get the film on as many platforms as possible.   Otherwise, I'm stuck with 832 DVDs in my basement.  I know it will come somehow.

In the meantime, I am cutting a video pro bono for an organization called Girl's PACT that helps empower young girls and prevent teenage pregnancy.  (GirlsPact.org) My husband is none too happy that I am still giving of my time, while I need to be earning, but I know how the world works.

Right now, I am happy to shoot and edit weddings, kid's birthdays, bar mitzvahs, performances, christenings.  Heck, I'll even do a funeral!  I am selling T-shirts and DVDs off my website FightLikeAGirlTheMovie.com

But, also accepting tax deductible donations for the film through an organization called Bad Girl's Boxing, which helps young women redirect negative energy into positive outlets.

http://www.badgirlsboxing.com/fight-like-a-girl-project/

I know this is more of a shitty way of asking people for donations than a blog, but if I don't do it, than I feel like an asshole....well, more of an asshole than if I didn't do it, I think.

And 3 people are probably going to read it.  So, I don't have to be embarrassed for making a big "ASK" on FB.  Funny, because I give to everyone else's campaigns and don't think anything of it.  It's hard to ask for your own film - believe your own work is worth others investing in to be seen.

If you are disappointed that this wasn't a funny, twisted, soulful, honest blog, I apologize and promise the next one will be exactly that.  But, if you are in a position where you could use a tax deduction and you would like to help "Fight Like a Girl" get seen, please chip in!

http://www.badgirlsboxing.com/fight-like-a-girl-project/

Thanks and Sorry!

Back in the Game

Vitamin B12 shot.  Best thing ever.

So grateful to have the energy to work out at the gym for a good two hours.  My work load lately is lighter than it has been in a while so I can afford to spend a little more time at the gym.  I haven't been in fight shape since last July.  The more I go, the more I realize it is a place of sanity, even though so many people in it are insane, myself included.  I spend more time allowing myself to be present as I spar or hit the bag.

I am convinced that the more we stay present, the less we age.  Doing anything artistic or athletic keeps you in the moment.  Most artists and athletes I know are young in spirit and in mind because of this "indulgence."  I call it an indulgence because I am aware that we are fortunate to have the time, the ability and the resources to be able to partake in these endeavors.  Both are creative and invigorating.

Always interesting getting back into training.  There is a lot of self doubt, but I just do it anyway. In sparring, I have been gassing out after two rounds, but I think that is changing.  Sunday, I did four two minute rounds without gassing.  Tomorrow, hopefully I will go three three minute rounds before taking a break.  I can't judge it or I will quit and boxing still gives me joy and makes my body and mind feel good.  I can't compare myself to anyone.  No one else is like me.  I am the oldest and smallest person in every gym against every opponent.  I move well around the ring, have good defense, but have a hard time hitting people hard unless it's a fight.  Sometimes I think I lost the strength I had when I was younger, but when I hit the pads, I can still make them crack.  It's just mental.  Like everything.

As far as the film goes, a couple more film festivals to go, we found a distributor and will be releasing "Fight Like a Girl" on VOD, DVD very soon. (Although I am already selling them off the website along with T-Shirts and posters. www.FightLikeAGirlTheMovie.com - My shameless plug!)  We are hoping to find a good broadcaster, but we shall see.  It's a different kind of film.  While I know many people love it and are inspired by it, I'm certain there are others who despise it and thing I'm an A-hole for making it.  They are probably the same people who think I am crazy for still sparring and training the way I do.  I am getting better at putting things in perspective with the thought: They are not my audience.

Making this film has been a long haul and I know I still have to do press for the next year, but I do feel like it is finished and on it's way out there.  I am already onto my next projects.  We have a few more expenses for the film, but I have faith we will get them covered.

It's appropriate to start heavy training at this moment.  I need to summon up my creative energy to keep moving, keep creating, keep punching.

Coming Home...

This is IT!

Feeling a strange combination of fright and excitement to screen "Fight Like a Girl" at the Shadow Box Film Festival in New York Dec. 6th and 7th!

Seven years of blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of my own money went into the making of the film.  I was fortunate to work with extremely talented people, some of the best in the business.  Also, I managed to get the patience of my husband, and the trust of three other women who really took me inside their lives, while helping me become a better boxer and a better person.  Will be forever grateful to Maureen Shea, Susan Reno and Kimberly Tomes for allowing me in, in such an intimate way.

New York will always be my home.  I literally transitioned from fresh faced kid from Jersey to East Village badass "nineties girl."  I had every "unskilled labor" type of job under the sun there.  From perfume sprayer at Lord and Taylor's to driving a pedicab, to decorating a gay S&M nightclub called PORK in the meat market district, I've experienced far more there than I'm sure I could any other place in the world.

Whenever I see that skyline come into view from my plane window, I instantly feel giddy, proprietary and like I'm home.  Living in LA for five years does not change that feeling at all.  In fact, I think it makes it stronger.

To be screening "Fight Like a Girl" in it's home town after playing several festivals around the country is daunting.  Even though we have gotten great reviews and won some awards, none of that will mean anything to me when we screen it to the New York boxing community.  I want them to feel like I represented them well, told an authentic tale.

It will be the first time the people in the film will be at the screening.  They will be seeing footage of themselves from 7 years ago up until the present: temper tantrums, hilarious bonding experiences, desperation, determination, triumphs, Golden Gloves fights, pro fights and various New York gyms, Gleasons, The Wat, etc.

They will learn intimate details about each other that they may not have known during the time of filming.  They will learn things about me that I never told them: things I don't particularly want them to know, but serve the story and the message of the film.  So, I let those things become a part of the story.

Most importantly, I hope the film inspires those who see it to get past anything that haunts them.  It's not just boxers who fight.  Anyone who struggles with anything should hopefully relate to this film.  If that successfully happens, then I 've done my job.

Shadow Box Film Festival Screenings
Friday, Dec 6th 8pm, or Saturday, Dec 7th at 12pm
333 W 23rd St
NYC
For tickets:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/501385

or call 800-838-3006
www.FightLikeAGirlTheMovie.com

Oh, Miley...

I was trying really hard not to write about Miley Cyrus's performance on the VMA's last night, but I can't seem to get any work done because of my thoughts around it. It doesn't need any more attention then it has already gotten, but I want to get this out of my head.

No, I didn't watch the VMA's because "Breaking Bad" is just too good and more up my alley.  I knew the "shocking" things from the VMA's would show up in my FB feed, on Twitter and in Entertainment news.  And, from years past, we know these things are staged, which make them anti-shocking.

Instead, I clicked on the article links, watched it on YouTube, and yawned.

First of all, there is no comparison to Madonna.  Madonna was mature and self possessed by the time she was doing her "antics" onstage.   I never got the sense she was "trying," serving anyone else, copying what she saw on YouTube, or battling a sweetheart-manufactured-by-Disney image.  She held her own when onstage with another superstar, while Miley just became a prop for Robin Thicke.

Miley Cyrus is 20 years old.  Let's face it; she is a big kid.  Today, kids mature at the pace of a glacier.  Recently, I was at a bar with my husband and a friend.  It was a college bar.  The college girls seemed to think it was funny to twerk in their short shorts in front of the guys and with each other.  Apparently they think they are being rebellious, ironically sexy, or "down with the homegirls" in a tongue-in-cheek way.  At least I hope it is tongue-in-cheek.  The more they did it, the less interesting it was to watch and we eventually stopped looking.

Watching white girls with skinny asses twerk is the equivalent of watching little boys at a Barmitzvah in Long Island pretend to be rappers from the streets.  It's just silly.  Stop it.

Miley was just doing the same thing these college girls were doing, but on a bigger stage.  I'm sure she will look back and be embarrassed because she is making her mistakes on a global level.  The other girls are just making asses of themselves in a local hangout.  Hopefully, no one is Instagraming or videotaping and putting their shit up on YouTube.  But even if they are, there isn't any fame or responsibilities thrust upon them to be "role models" for our young girls.

Having been a stripper in the 90's, I didn't find these moves particularly shocking or rebellious.  I'm just surprised these girls are doing it in public FOR FREE.  Yes, I would bend over with my ass out, but it was in the privacy of a strip club and I was getting paid to do it.  In my civilian time, I would never do something in public so lascivious or subservient.  That is work.  It requires dollars at the ready.  I remember  thinking that it was such a stupid, easy way to get money.  I even laughed at myself WHILE I was doing it.  I couldn't imagine it being a cool thing to do at a club where I wanted to meet people or have fun with my friends.  It would feel like I was giving away my power, my dignity.  I would feel like a skank; whereas in a strip club, I felt like a good employee on the assembly line.  Good, honest, work.  But that's me.  Obviously, things have changed.

Not to mention, I am one of those skinny assed white girls.  It would not be a juicy experience for anyone and I am well aware of that.

In short, give the girl a break.  She's a kid trying really hard to be radical and edgy just like every child star before her.  I would be more shocked if she wasn't twerking at the VMA's.

Like the night at the college bar, this behaviour becomes less interesting the more I see it, so I just stop watching and hope a young artist does something real that grabs my attention.

My un-asked for advice to a young artist: Be rebellious by doing something authentic.

Mending the Nets

"There is a time to fish and a time to mend the nets."  I got that quote from Kahil Gibran and I always remember it when I am feeling slow, sick, or unproductive.

I am the type of person that always wants to fish - keep producing, creating, and doing.  There is a part of me that believes if I am not doing, creating or learning that I don't deserve to breathe air on the planet.  Harsh?  Yes, but I can't help that thought.  It's a part of me and I have to deal with it when it comes up.

Once again, I have a cold.  For every few months of good health and getting into fighting shape, I seem to get sick, have a depressive episode or get an all encompassing job that won't let me train or rest properly.  It's incredibly frustrating because I never seem to get into good enough shape, or write enough, or do enough promotion for my film.  I am stuck in this heavy fog that won't let me do much of anything.  Perhaps it is God's way of making me slow down.  Or it's just my dharma.

As the years pass, I think I am getting better at accepting these unwanted rest periods, but they are still difficult even when I put them in perspective.  After all, there are people who have REAL problems.

At least I work for myself and can take a nap in the middle of the day or work late into the night if I need to.  Eventually, I always do get better and can get into extremely good shape for a month or two -  before the cold, sickness, or depression hit again.

Last weekend, I was fortunate to work the corner of pro fighter, Gloria Salas.  She is super talented, has tons of drive, heart and athleticism.  For this fight, she told me that because her car was broken down, she couldn't get to the boxing gym.  She trained at an MMA gym near her house and sparred guys who did MMA.  She improved her cardio, but lacked real technical boxing training.

For what she had, she did amazingly well.  She lost in a close decision against a very talented, well trained Maggie Suarez.  She did the best with what she had.

Now, she has to go back to Palm Springs and as I advised her, get her car situation fixed.  That's the start of mending her nets before she can fish again.  Then, she will need to find a boxing gym, a good coach and figure out a way to schedule all this in with her work, her children and her boyfriend.  One stitch at a time.

Each day is a measure of patience.  Each moment is a leap of faith.

"The Belt"

I have finally done it.  I won a World Championship belt.  Major bling.  Okay, it's for the Master's division, 108lb female. And okay, there was no one old enough or small enough for me to fight so I won by "walkover."  As a competitive person, there is a huge part of me that thinks because I didn't fight in that tournament, I didn't actually win the belt.  However, I am trying to see it differently...

I trained for two months at Wildcard for the Desert Showdown.  Wildcard is a real "boxer's" gym.   I trained alongside professionals, world champions, and amateur champions.  It's motivating to hit the speed bag and try to match the rythm of the pro hitting it next to me.  Sparring in front of Freddie Roach is daunting.  I once glanced over when the start bell rang and I saw him looking rather amused, in a good way.  I imagined he liked my swag.

This past training camp was difficult in that I sparred tougher girls than usual.  We went harder than I had been going in a long time and I had to step it up or give up.   I had to drive all the way to Hollywood from the West side four to five times a week.  I had more self doubt than usual.  I expected more from myself because this was going to be my 8th fight so if I didn't get the results right away, I would become extremely frustrated.  I have been a student of boxing for 7 years and learned a lot of different styles.  Some of them suit me and some don't, but I do them anyway for the challenge.

Superman, my coach, upped my game, made me hit harder, sit on my punches, had me spar girls who were way bigger than me as well as two nationally ranked 16 year old amateurs.  You think 16 year old girls can't get their fight on?  Try sparring Julie Ladisa or Krysten Juarez, the 106lb and 110lbs national champions.  Little tanks that don't run out of gas vs. my motorbike that putts in bits and spurts and once in a while, pops a wheelie.  The gas tank has gotten smaller with age, but the will is still strong.  At 47, I have been boxing on and off for 7 years.  At 16, they have both been boxing longer and more consistently than I have.  The footwork, shoulder rotations and defensive movements are built into their little bodies.  I still have to tell myself not to hold my breath when punching.

There is a humility that comes with being smaller, older, less athletic, and less talented than a lot of my sparring partners.  I know I have to work harder to get middle of the road results.  To get "great" results, I have to really commit myself and lose myself in the sport.  As a woman who owns her own business, produces corporate videos, is a wife, a mother of two doggies,  manages an MMA fighter, and is marketing a film that is just coming out, I can't lose myself for too long.  I also know that my "great" most likely won't match up with those top girls, but for short bursts of time, I do love having that kind of focus and commitment to the sport.  I get better, stronger and last longer in the ring.  The moments when I execute a move I was working on with my coach are the most rewarding and probably one of the reasons I still do it.

The last two weeks before the tournament, I was driving myself intensely, sparring hard, running, and convincing myself that I could beat any other woman my age, my size in an amateur tournament.  This is not easy to do, when you are clearly not dominating most sparring sessions!

Making weight was tougher this time because I got my period that week.  Hello, three extra pounds I usually don't have to cut.  The morning of the tournament, I had to wake up at 5am, drive two and a half hours, weigh in, and wait to see if I got a fight. Walking past the other boxers on my way to weigh in, I got a lot of looks.

"You're fighting?" a young boxer asked me.

"Yup," I said.

I don't know if people do a double take because I am a woman, I am old, or I am very small.  Maybe all three, but it just makes me walk stronger.  Like I belong there.

After weighing in and waiting around for a while, we discover that the only other "Master" boxer (i.e. older) is 132lbs.  Too big for me to fight.  They only allow an 8lb difference.  I would spend the rest of the day cheering on my teammates and watching the three ring circus that is amateur boxing.  Literally three rings with fights all happening at the same time.

What I really enjoyed seeing was all the little girls putting it out there.  They were as young as 8 years old.  Many of them had ponytails, big pink gloves and skinny little legs.  Each one of them fought with all their might, never backing down and giving it their all.  I kept thinking how this experience will help them later in life with their self esteem.

At the end of the day, Superman talked to the promotor and the officials, told them I won by "walkover" and they gave me a belt.  I was slightly embarrassed and tried to hide it, which is difficult because it is bigger than I am.  Three of my other teammates also won belts.  One also won by walkover but he didn't seem embarrassed at all.  He was proud.  After all, the winning is done by the hours you spend in the gym training and we did that.  I decided to wear the belt more proudly.
I decided my belt represents persistence, hard work, overcoming obstacles, not being afraid to get into the ring with pros or amateur champions.  It's for 7 years of training, the fights I won, the fights I lost, the fights I was robbed, and the sparring with other boxers to prepare them for their fights.

Hell, it's for actually finishing an independent film about the women I admire most; the women who participate in a sport that is unforgiving, not financially rewarding, and does not give due credit to their accomplishments the way  men receive in the same sport.

I'll take that belt and I will wear it proudly.