Fear of Blogging

I really liked my last blog. A lot. I mean, I really really did. So I revised it and revised it and made it better and better until it was in a place where I could perform it. It was the first time I had been up in front of people performing in 13 years and it actually went pretty well. Some good laughs, connections to the audience, and finding my stage character as I wove my tale of being a snarky boxer trying to open up to the concept of yoga, but being confronted with girls wearing no panties under their tights, people talking about their spirit guides in public, and rancid broccoli farts.

Whenever I do something good, I always fear following it up. Which delays the next good thing. Yes, even a blog. It occurred to me that I haven't written in a couple of months and yes, while I have been busy with finishing technical aspects of the film, producing and editing a huge corporate job, traveling, etc, I usually find some time to do an entry. But, I didn't want to follow up my last blog with anything less than stellar. So, I just didn't write anything.

Then, I remembered, the whole purpose of blogging is to express myself without too much self criticism or judgement. Yes, I want people to enjoy reading it, but everything doesn't have to be a "gem." -something to perform or to submit to a short story collection. It's a freaking way to get your thoughts out of your head and maybe relate to someone who might be feeling the same way. It's a damn blog, for crissakes!

In boxing, you can land the best shot ever, but you have to keep going with the hope that you will top that, follow it up with more, keep improving. Sure, you miss, receive some hard blows, or throw some duds, but eventually you get back on top. Or you don't. But you keep going. The whole point of doing anything you love is in the "doing." You just have to love that. The results go your way sometimes and sometimes they don't.

I am keeping this in mind as I train for what might be my last fight. Last, because there is basically no one else as small or as old as me to fight in the Masters (this will be my third time fighting the same girl) and the thought of doing a pro fight, makes me want to lay down, eat a jar of Nutella and a box of petifores.

Getting my conditioning up has been tough and I am extremely hard on myself. Yes, I have been back and forth to New York two times in the last two months and have had a crazy schedule, but I want my body to snap back into fighting shape. Unfortunately, I have been getting tired after two three minute rounds or three two minute rounds!!! Way to go, boxer! I have to silence the negative thoughts that play like a recording in my head. Let them float away. I won't even mention them here because I don't want to give them any more power. Fuckers.

Instead of beating myself up over it, I have to let it be. Keep going. Breathe through it. Have faith. What are ways I can be more relaxed when I'm sparring? Am I taking enough vitamins? Eating enough? Do I love the "doing" of it to keep doing it even when I am unhappy with my performance?

If I am being honest with myself, the answer is still yes. I do see improvements after working with a new coach. I'm incorporating the new combinations and movement into my sparring. Despite the fact that I gas out so quickly, I seem to be getting off more shots and getting out of the way more on angles. Am I Joe Pro? Muhammad Ali? Floyd Fucking Mayweather? Far from it, but for me, I'm getting better.

I won my last fight against this girl. She won the first one. I think I know how to beat her now, but this also depends on the judges and where I am mentally and physically on fight night. So, I hope to get the W this time using all my newfound knowledge. I still have two months to get my conditioning up, relax more, breathe better, build confidence.

And then I remember that each time I fight, I prove something to myself - that after all I have been through in my lifetime, all the self doubt that swirls in my consciousness, that I can overcome it, win or lose, by fighting my heart out.

I just want to make it look pretty.