Long Time, No Blog

Long time, no blog. 

I haven't felt like putting my thoughts out into the world lately.  I didn't post much on Facebook this year or tweet. I don't want everyone to know everything I'm doing all the time. But, I used to. It's funny as we age, the changes we go through mentally.  Now, not so much. I love telling stories about other people, coaching others, putting them in the spotlight, making people laugh (always loved that) and contributing to their "process."  I am more like a big sister or parent than I am a peer to the folks that surround me most of the time, and I don't mind it.  Not having kids of my own has been a blessing in that I can nurture the people around me that need it. My dogs will never hate me for no reason and they always want to cuddle. Not to mention, for some reason I need a lot of sleep or become a dysfunctional zombie. The need to be recognized and adored is waning. A healthy balance of acceptance and striving is what I aspire to.

However, as a contrarian, I'm not sure that I want to become "invisible" as I age. Is that what is happening? Organically, in some ways it is.  One of the characters in a play I wrote was an "old stripper." When I first wrote it, she was forty, but the longer I performed the play, I made her 50. The perspective of age changes as we get older.  50 was impossibly old for a stripper.  As Maggie Estep mused, we have come to a "sobering realization that we'd reached an age when stripping might not be lucrative." Besides being funny as hell, it is actually freeing. We have been on the planet long enough to develop other skills that come from a place inside, that is uniquely us. We are not shells to be objectified, but little suns giving off our own light. The light often shines through a computer or movie screen, but it is our light just the same. This is not to criticize women who are stripping.; it serves its purpose for sure and the material you are gathering is unmatchable, but for me, creating something and seeing it through is much more rewarding. Not being at the center of it is also liberating.

My birthday was last week.  At my age, the hoopla is that I am alive, free of serious injury and can still box. My energy has gotten better so I can do more with the people that I train and I'm actually sparring again. (Light.) No more hard blows to the head as I notice my short term memory getting shorter. I will be watching a TV show and forget what just happened.  I try to watch "Law and Order" so that I can guess the next scene and usually be right, but many times it is like a brand new episode. Boxing or age? That is the question. As I segway into more writing work, I will need my noggin.

Looks and Appearance - something that has always nagged at me through the years.  Now, I didn't want to even address this, because as a "woke" woman, I'm supposed to accept the beautiful aging process - embrace the wrinkles and sagging. Frances McDormand that shit. But, after being a homely, little girl ignored by the male species, I was grateful when feminine things started to happen. I noticed (and still notice) that people are nicer to me when I wear make-up and don't look like a Rjiker's prison guard, which I do, most the time. I'm not above a little botox or filler if I can afford it and I do notice a difference in how people treat me when it runs out. It also just makes me feel better, like getting a haircut, or whitening your teeth. Would love for that not to be true but it is. Not a bad vice. Much better than doing cocaine like I did in the 90's.

My longstanding friendship and family bonds are strong and I appreciate them even more.  That is what will get you through the really tough times and multiply the joy for the really good. Changes are happening. Look at the way I'm writing this. My stories used to be about Jersey Go-Go girls, drag queens, hustlers, drugs, dominatrixes and the Lower Eastside. This blog is like someone who has listened to 10,000 hours of self help recordings. Which is true. At the end of the day, I am embracing my age reluctantly. I still can't stomach the AARP cards that come in the mail, but I did just get my first senior discount.

As Bette Davis said, "Getting old is not for sissies," and I ain't no sissy.